Excruciating Pain
by Lucinda Hindle
Summary: Will the pain ever end? This was worse than the Cruciatus. The gaping hole in his chest pained him like a mortal wound. Why wasn't he dead like the others, now that his purpose was served? Why wasn't he allowed to be with them? Will he ever get over the pain of the wounds made by the war?


**AN: Hope you enjoy this story; it can be referred to as a side story of Warriors of War, Moving on, though it can be read individually. Harry is in excruciating pain, from which nothing but he himself can relieve of.**

 **It's quite depressing, but well, losing someone is something you never get over, I lost my grandmother five years ago, and even now whenever she is mentioned, my heart skips a beat, though I no longer cry for I have learnt to hide my silent tears whenever I think of her…**

 **Disclaimer: Nothing is mine and the things written in cursive are also quotations from other people with a few edits on my part.**

Excruciating Pain

 _Do not stand at my grave and weep_

 _I am not there, I do not sleep_

 _I am the thousand winds that blow_

 _I am the diamond glints on snow_

 _I am the sunlight on ripened grain_

 _I am the gentle autumn rain_

 _When you awaken in the mornings hush_

 _I am the swift uplifting rush_

 _Of quite birds in circled flight_

 _I am the soft stars that shine at night_

 _Do not stand at my grave and cry_

 _I am not there, I did not die._

 _\- By Anonymous_

Harry was kneeling beside the Potter's grave at Godric's Hollow cemetery. He could hear the life going on outside the graveyard, it seemed strange and cruel that they could laugh, enjoy, joke and go on, when there were so many who died and could not.

After placing the lilies he had conjured on the graves, Harry sat on his ankles and let the tears fall. Harry was now alone, so Harry, who had always seemed unbreakable, broke, dropped the fake smile he put on and whispered to himself, "I can't take it anymore…." Harry hated the hollow feeling inside him, hated the dark depths of his broken mind, yes Harry had broken, how could anyone bear all this, without breaking?

There were times he was glad to be rid of the Deathly Hallows but there were times like these when he wished if he could have the resurrection stone, just to hear his mother's voice, Sirius joke, Remus look at him with kind eyes, James look at him in pride, Fred tease, Tonks hair change into bright pink, Colin scream at him for a photograph…. Gone, all were gone, they were not coming back, no Dobby with his funny assortment of clothes, no Colin with his camera, no Hedwig to nip at his fingers, no Dumbledore with his wise and reassuring words, no Mad-Eye to shout at them about 'Constant Vigilance', no Fred to lighten the mood, no one. Snape was dead, the only person who might have known about his mother Lily more than anyone else, he was gone too. Sometimes Harry wondered, why was he not gone too? Why was he still here when his family was gone and his purpose was served? But than Ginny, Ron, Hermione come to his mind.

He felt as if a Dementor was hovering over him, though this time the memories coming to him were bittersweet instead of downright terrifying.

 _Both buttock still on…._

 _Your father is coming….._

 _Death is but the next great adventure…_

 _The greatest thing you fear is fear itself….._

 _You have been very brave…_

 _He moves faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo…_

 _Until the very end…_

All the memories were coming back, but they never would. As the memories played on and on in Harry's mind, the pain in his heart kept on increasing, excruciating and unbearable like a mortal wound. He was surprised to see that his tears hadn't dried up, yet. The pain in his knees for kneeling so long was nothing compared to the painful lump that had formed at his throat. His fractured mind and broken heart was a veritable kaleidoscope of emotions – grief, pain, love, sadness….

Harry didn't know which pain was worse, the shock of what happened or the ache of what never will. How can such pain exist, without physical harm?

The tears falling from his eyes and covering his face weren't painful, painful were the ones falling from his heart and covering his soul.

Sometimes he was able to forget that anything ever happened, that everything would be back to normal, that it never happened, but then it hits him again, harder than before that nothing can ever be normal ever again, that so many people were gone for ever from his life, there very presence wiped out of his life, nothing could be back to normal and the bitter truth would always be there, that _it happened._

Even though Harry pretended to smile and laugh, it was just that, pretend, for inside he was dying from the pain of it all.

 _Behind his smile is a hurting heart_

 _Behind his laugh, he is falling apart_

Although there were very few who noticed, Harry wasn't eating enough, he wasn't able to sleep, and was exhausted most of the time. It was hard to forget all those people who had died when they had given him so much to remember. Harry, at the moment was not living, just surviving and waiting, waiting for what, he didn't know but he just wished that it is better than what is now. He knew one thing for sure, that he would never stop missing them, he might just learn to live with that huge gaping hole, the pain might ease, but the hole will always be there, with the ghost of the pain it had brought.

Pain was all Harry felt, he had known that there would be casualties in the war, he thought that he had imagined how much it would hurt, but he was proven wrong, it hurt worse than what one could imagine. The war had torn apart his life, broken it into pieces. Many pieces were forever lost, lost like the people who he would never see again, he had to create a new picture but the gaping holes would still be there, hopefully time will teach them the get used to it and learn to live without those pieces.

He will never get over it, but he would get through it.

Harry's broken heart would never heal perfectly, like a leg that never healed perfectly, which still hurts when the weather gets cold, but he will learn to dance with the limp.

It was true that Harry had hit rock bottom, but the good thing was, that from rock bottom, there was no way to go but up.

 _Those we love never go away_

 _They walk beside us everyday_

 _Unseen, unheard but always near_

 _Still loved, still missed and very dear._

 **AN: Well, I just hope my keyboard doesn't get affected from all the saltwater over it now. I was thinking about adding another chapter, this time, about how is he healing. So what do you guys think? Please review and tell me if this affected you in the way it affected me? Did your heart twist, did you feel goose bumps? Did your eyes prickle? Did your stomach felt as if you had eaten lead?**

 **Goodbye for now!**

 **(Warriors of War chapter 9 in progress, though it would be updated in October.)**


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